We have met the social media enemy, and it is us
By Mike Moran. Filed in Social Media Marketing |Tags: Education, Educators, Facebook, K through 12, Middle school, social media
Image via CrunchBase
Yesterday, Tony Orsini, my son’s middle school principal sent a blunt letter to all parents telling us that we should ban social networks for our middle school children. I was unsure whether it was acceptable for me to print the letter when I got it, but our New York CBS TV station had a headline today, “NJ Principal Asks Parents To Ban Social Networking” in which it printed the whole letter. You should read it for yourself (below). I respect Tony, but he’s wrong on this one.
UPDATED November 29, 2010: CBS took down the verbatim letter that Tony sent to all parents in April, but because I was a recipient, I am reprinting it here so people can judge the letter on its own merits instead of how I am quoting it.
Dear BF Community,
In 2002 when I arrived in Ridgewood Facebook did not exist, Youtube did not exist, and MySpace was barely in existence. Formspring (one of the newest internet scourges, a site meant simply to post cruel things about people anonymously) wasn’t even in someone’s mind.
In 2010 social networking sites have now become commonplace, and technology use by students is beyond prevalent.
It is time for every single member of the BF Community to take a stand!
There is absolutely no reason for any middle school student to be a part of a social networking site!
Let me repeat that – there is absolutely, positively no reason for any middle school student to be a part of a social networking site! None.
5 of the last 8 parents who we have informed that their child was posting inappropriate things on Facebook said their child did not have an account. Every single one of the students had an account.
3 Students yesterday told a guidance counselor that their parents told them to close their accounts when the parents learned they had an account. All three students told their parents it was closed. All three students still had an account after telling their parents it was closed.
Most students are part of more than one social networking site.
Please do the following: sit down with your child (and they are just children still) and tell them that they are not allowed to be a member of any social networking site. Today!
Let them know that you will at some point every week be checking their text messages online! You have the ability to do this through your cell phone provider.
Let them know that you will be installing Parental Control Software so you can tell every place they have visited online, and everything they have instant messaged or written to a friend. Don’t install it behind their back, but install it!
Over 90% of all homework does not require the internet, or even a computer. Do not allow them to have a computer in their room, there is no need.
Know that they can text others even if their phone doesn’t have texting capability, either through the computer or through their Ipod touch.
Have a central “docking station” preferably in your bedroom, where all electronics in the home get charged each night, especially anything with a cell or wifi capability (Remember when you were in high school and you would sneak the phone into your bedroom at midnight to talk to you girlfriend or boyfriend all night – now imagine what they can do with the technology in their rooms).
If your son or daughter is attacked through one of these sites or through texting – immediately go to the police! Insist that they investigate every situation. Also, contact the site and report the attack to the site – they have an obligation to suspend accounts or they are liable for what is
written.
We as a school can offer guidance and try to build up any student who has been injured by the social networking scourge, but please insist the authorities get involved.
For online gaming, do not allow them to have the interactive communication devices. If they want to play Call of Duty online with someone from Seattle, fine, they don’t need to talk to the person.
The threat to your son or daughter from online adult predators is insignificant compared to the damage that children at this age constantly and repeatedly do to one another through social networking sites or through text and picture messaging.
It is not hyperbole for me to write that the pain caused by social networking sites is beyond significant – it is psychologically detrimental and we will find out it will have significant long term effects, as well as all the horrible social effects it already creates.
I will be more than happy to take the blame off you as a parent if it is too difficult to have the students close their accounts, but it is time they all get closed and the texts always get checked.
I want to be clear, this email is not anti-technology, and we will continue to teach responsible technology practices to students. They are simply not psychologically ready for the damage that one mean person online can cause, and I don’t want any of our students to go through the unnecessary pain that too many of them have already experienced.
Some people advocate that the parents and the school should teach responsible social networking to students because these sites are part of the world in which we live.
I disagree, it is not worth the risk to your child to allow them the independence at this age to manage these sites on their own, not because they are not good kids or responsible, but because you cannot control the poor actions of anonymous others.
Learn as a family about cybersafety together at wiredsafety.org for your own knowledge. It is a great site. But then do everything I asked in this email – because there really is no reason a child needs to have one of these accounts.
Please take action in your on home today.
Sincerely,
Anthony Orsini
Principal
Benjamin Franklin Middle School
335 N. Van Dien Avenue
Ridgewood, NJ 07451
(201) 670-2780
END UPDATE
Before I comment on the letter, I want to tell you a little bit about its author, Tony Orsini. I can’t say that I know him very well, but all four of my kids attended his Ridgewood New Jersey middle school and he is a good principal. He is passionate about what’s right for his students, and I guarantee you that every word in his letter is built on what he believes is right.
I just think he is misguided on this one. And it is very understandable how that happens, because it happens to all of us when faced with new technology. Because the technology is the thing being injected into our otherwise settled equation, it feels right that the technology is the problem, when we are our own worst enemies. It’s not the technology. It’s us.
Think about it. Tony points out that Facebook and other social networks have become the newest venues for bullying, which is an incredibly serious problem. But the issue isn’t where the bullying is happening. The issue is the bullying. Let me make this point with a personal story.
Even though I am older than dirt, I was in sixth grade once myself. My family had moved from another state and I was “the new kid.” I was short and scrawny–a patsy. I was the easiest victim they’d ever seen, so the other boys in my grade bullied me for well over a year at every recess every school day.
One day, in seventh grade, I decided that I wasn’t going to subject myself to it anymore, so when everyone else went to play at recess, I just plopped myself down away from the other kids and did not move from there. A teacher who had apparently never noticed the bullying going one for months noticed me today and asked me what was wrong, so I told her. At that point, the school cracked down on the kids and my life got better.
Schools have changed a lot since I was 12. They now take bullying extremely seriously and no kid would go through what I did, because the kids are told that the adults care about this problem and that they can be approached. I never knew that anyone would care if I told them and the bullies had made it clear that that wasn’t my best strategy. So, I wasn’t intending to tell someone about my problem when I removed myself physically from the bullying. I had taken Tony’s solution. Instead of addressing the problem, I canceled my own recess.
So, I understand where Tony is coming from. If they are bullying you at recess, cancel recess. If they are bullying you in Facebook, cancel Facebook. But that was my solution as a 12-year-old. Fortunately, the adults, the teachers and other educators, have spent the last 40 years figuring out how to stop bullying without canceling recess. And as far as I can tell, it has been highly effective. The teachers try to monitor bullying behavior more than they once did, yes, but the main thing they do is to empower the victims of bullying by telling them what to do when it happens. And they also drill into kids from an early age that bullying is unacceptable. And it works. Without canceling recess.
The truth is that although Facebook seems like this brave new world to us oldsters (and in some ways it is), it doesn’t repeal the laws of human behavior. The problem is not bullying on Facebook. The problem is bullying. Forty years ago, many teachers said things like “boys will be boys” over this problem because they felt helpless about what they could do to stop it. It is understandable that we might feel a bit helpless about cyber-bullying now, but canceling Facebook is not the solution.
Instead, we must accept that bullying is unacceptable no matter where it happens. And we must accept that in the real world or the cyberworld, adults can’t always monitor what kids do. And we must accept that this technology will be used no matter what we want. At what age is Facebook OK? How do children learn how to act appropriately online? We must step up to teach them and we must emphasize that they are accountable for what they do online as well as everywhere else. And we must emphasize that we care what happens to them online, just as we do everywhere else. Canceling Facebook is just drawing a line that cannot hold.
Having said that, I have no issue with parents who want to follow Tony’s advice. That might be the right approach for your kid. But it can’t be right for every kid. There are plenty of mature eighth graders that can handle Facebook, just as there are probably some ninth graders that can’t. Each parent can make that decision based on their own kid. If Tony’s letter helps parents reclaim their confidence to make that decision, good. But if his letter just scares everyone into thinking that putting our heads in the sand will keep the cyber-bullies away, that would be a shame.
It’s easy to demonize Facebook for cyber-bullying. It’s harder to address the problem of student behavior, whether it happens online or off. But just as 40 years ago we ignored the problem offline, we have learned enough to know that we must confront bullying wherever it happens. On Facebook, too.
Thanks for raising the issue, Tony. I know it comes from a good heart. I just think we need to take a different approach.
Thursday, April 29th 2010 at 1:48 pm |
Great blog, in my opinion I do somewhat agree with many teachers resorting to ignoring the issue of bullying, sometimes an individual may decide to disregard an issue of this degree as it is sometimes easier to neglect bullying and use facebook as a scapegoat. True statement the school system focus lots of attention to bullying, as I can recall being required to brief my 7 year old on the topic, mandated by the school.
Thursday, April 29th 2010 at 4:48 pm |
As a child, I attended both a private school as well as a public school, and I concluded as an adult that trying to protect your kids from exposure to the real world through keeping them in a private school generally doesn’t do them any favor. It merely delays an inevitable confrontation with reality, instead of begining getting them used to how to coexist in the real world.
Giving our kids the means to process what happens in the real world will make them stronger in the long run. Conflict is part of life, and training kids on how to communicate acceptably and how to handle conflict will have longer-term benefits and equip them with a more realistic world-view.
I think you’re right — the medium of communication is not at fault, and banning kids from it is not the solution. (Even though, as adults and parents we need to monitor and place some limits what materials our children are accessing, and what sorts of communications they are having with others online.)
Bullying is unacceptable in any medium, whether in person, in written notes, over the telephone, or over the internet.
Suggesting keeping kids out of Facebook outside of school hardly seems like a realistic solution, too. It would be much better to have some conversations with the students on what sorts of interactions are acceptable, and how to process threats or insults one receives online.
Thursday, April 29th 2010 at 6:13 pm |
Not a lot of parents really teach their kids about “facebook” or other social networks, most kids just have to learn on their own at home, and parents see that and learn to trust. But when kids are not around such environments, and suddenly start in, say at school, it could definitely turn into a mess. It’s amazing how we has parents have to now look into social networks and our kids lol.
Thursday, April 29th 2010 at 6:26 pm |
I think your post highlights a common problem when dealing with issues in education: treating the symptom (bullying on Facebook, so don’t use it) to treating the problem (stop the bullying at the source, with the bully).
You also demonstrate the proper way to criticize or respond to another’s ideas: in a very thoughtful and polite way! Kudos to you!
Thursday, April 29th 2010 at 6:36 pm |
Gotta go with Tony on this one. Kids are kids. Bullying will happen. But when do we as parents take a stand to ensure that kids are KIDS. Middle school children do not NEED facebook, or twitter. It’s “cool”. They also don’t have the emotional maturity that helps them to take a stand against a “sign up for my Billy is ugly website”. 11 year olds don’t need cell phones as a general rule. They don’t need twitter. They don’t need facebook. They don’t need anything that helps them to believe that what they do online is “impersonal”.
My kudos go to Tony. Parents….parent your kids. Don’t let them have computers and iphones in their bedrooms “recharging” for them to post on at 2am. Ensure that anything they post is on a family computer, in a common area. And encourage them to talk to you, and to their friends…in person! You want computer skills? Join a family computer game, or Webkinz, or something else where the target of their spur of the moment impulse email isn’t a real live, hormone laden peer.
Mom of 4. None have facebook. There’s time for that later. Prevent your child from being an accidental or intentional bully. Or a recipient of same.
Kudos Tony.
Thursday, April 29th 2010 at 6:51 pm |
Agreed that is it so important that as educators we teach our students to be digitally literate. The bullying is the issue here, not the platform on which the bullying may be occuring. My eleven year old daughter often uses her best persuasive techniques to convince me that she can’t possibly function after school unless she joins Facebook. Most of her eleven year old classmates use that platform to network after school hours. It brings to light the fact that even middle schoolers need to be taught how to use social media responsibly. Thanks for the post.
Thursday, April 29th 2010 at 6:58 pm |
Thanks to everyone for such well thought-out comments on an emotionally charged issue.
@Chris, my bullying happened in a private (Catholic) school when I was a kid, so definitely see your point there, but I also agree that it’s what we teach rather than only the environment that we must focus on as parents. It would be a lot easier to just create the safe environment and not have to pay attention, but we don’t get that too often.
@Jean-Louis, Thank you. I try to do that all the time, but it is easy this time because I know Tony is coming from a good heart, even if I disagree with him on this.
@Tat, I am glad that you found your solution for your kids and I encourage any parents to adopt Ton’s advice if it is right for their children. But I think that we need to ask ourselves what we will do when our kids reach whatever the magical age is when they can have social networks. Because you can’t just lock ‘em out forever–you have to teach them something. I personally think we’ll be better off teaching them younger, just as we do with any other kind of bullying behavior, but I am fine with what each parent decides. Thanks so much for being part of the conversation.
Thursday, April 29th 2010 at 7:14 pm |
Thanks for your comment, Kel. My kids are in a house steeped in social media (mom and dad) so we have no trouble teaching them about it, but I know not every household is like that. Most aren’t. So I think we should be equipping students and their parents with what they need to know. I think that banning social media for people of certain ages just begs the question of whta you do when they are “old enough.” They won’t automatically know how to behave just because they are older. If that were true, their parents would all know what to do. What’s needed is more information for everyone. I wonder how I can help.
Thursday, April 29th 2010 at 7:21 pm |
I just read the letter, jeepers, what’s going on in that middle school?
Mr. Orsini has to avoid sounding like a Luddite. Didn’t our own parents think the lyrics to Rolling Stones songs and long hair was going to damn us to hell?
Bullying has always been around, long before the Internet and social network sites. My own child has experience bullying in school many years ago before Facebook.
She had girls not speaking to her in class, girls not letting her sit with them at lunch, and girls ignoring her at Girl Scout meetings. Oddly enough, I have no fond memories of middle school either. Hormones are raging, girls are mean, boys are mean, and everyone is awkward trying to navigate through. So now, Mr. Orsini, it’s worse because the use of Facebook multiplies the amount of people tormenting you. I see his point, but to play devil’s advocate here, at least you know the bullying is going on with Facebook since there’s a cyber trail.
Mr. Orsini is right about patrolling your kid’s Internet habits, and everyone should explain to their child that one little text or email, even meant as a joke, could land them in a court room with a civil suit.
This younger generation is getting it all out there, their likes, dislikes, dating status, sexual preference, etcetera. Our generation doesn’t understand their lack of privacy. Is it our problem, not theirs?
At least with Facebook, a kid is no longer alone. He can reach out on Facebook and send a message to a friend if his mother or father is not approachable. There should be new term coined social network psychotherapy – it’s the new virtual couch.
Nothing in this world is ever all bad. Maybe we need to change our thinking, talk a lot more to our kids, monitor their Internet use and say a prayer. Just like our parents made the sign of the cross on their chests, but still let us play the Rolling Stones.
Thursday, April 29th 2010 at 8:03 pm |
Great comment, Joan. Hard for me to disagree with where you are going. Honestly, I am the alleged social media expert, but I can’t say that I understand in my bones what it is like fo rmy kids to use social media. They are digital natives and their parents are digital immigrants. I will always speak social media with an accent. It will never feel completely natural to me. It will always feel like it is changing to something new the moment I started to get comfortable with it. So, it would be much more comfortable for me to draw white lines around everything that makes me uncomfortable and tell my kids to keep out, but they will have to learn how to navigate it sometime, so growing up becomes this long dance of letting out a little rope and seeing how they do. I think we need to hold onto the rope with social media, not say the game is over.
Thursday, April 29th 2010 at 9:57 pm |
Hi Mike, it’s your wife here. I have a slightly different point of view on this than you do.
I do agree with Tony’s intent, and I don’t think he meant to dismiss empowering the kids as the first line of defense. I think what Tony was trying to say is that the pre-teen brain may not be able to handle the vast jungle of social media as well as the older teen brain can. But I think Tony is not considering a few things:
1. The tentacles of social media are already deep in the pre-teen culture, and would be pretty hard to pry out.
2. In order to have a rule for a group such as a whole school, you need near-consensus on the part of parents. But some parents know their kids are ready, other parents are understandably busy, and still others, and I think it’s a lot of them, have no idea even how to begin building the wall between their web-savvy kid and his beloved social arena. As you pointed out, the kids are natives, while the parents are immigrants, at best.
I agree with you that kids are individuals, but by its nature, social media is about groups. To consider what is best for a school full of kids does have merit.
I think Tony is being a bit idealistic, and fails to realize that the ban he proposes isn’t going to work, if for no other reason than we just can’t get reach that critical mass of support that would be needed. And as long as we don’t have the critical mass, we will always have good friends with vastly different rules for their culture. That, in itself, is an entire book, when you consider how important peer culture is to the healthy development of adolescents.
But I commend Tony for taking a stand and caring that much about our kids. I think his opinion is important because it’s making us all think, learn, and discuss. That can’t be a bad thing, when it comes to watching out for our kids.
And lastly, I feel the need to point out that Tony is not an oldster. He is closer to our kids’ generation than he is to ours. That fact alone should make us pay attention when he says that something he probably uses himself may not be a good idea for our middle schoolers.
I had a discussion with two intelligent high school teens today about Tony’s letter, as I thought maybe they would know better than the rest of us about this issue of middle schoolers. They had a lot to say.
Firstly, they pointed out that Formspring is a different issue entirely, and should not be considered along with other social media. Formspring is meant to be anonymous, and is therefore prone to abuse. It was their opinion that Formspring isn’t healthy for anyone not savvy enough to know how to negotiate it.
They explained that Formspring lets you be anonymous with people you already know (subtle, isn’t it?) so you can freely ask questions of your friends but anonymously.
The abuse of Formspring comes when someone gets your Formspring id whom you really don’t know. The reason this happens, one of the teens said, is that teens, including themselves, have been guilty of publishing their Formspring accounts on Facebook. Facebook makes their Formsrping accounts too public.
I think these teenagers are right that Formspring is too much for middle schoolers.
Secondly, they addressed the Facebook issue. Both of the teens said that the Facebook venue is really meant for high schoolers. They predicted that, if open to middle schoolers, it could get dumbed down just as Neopets did (which had started as a college site!).
Together we guessed that if Facebook got dumbed down (both in its content and its rules for membership) it wouldn’t be the end of the world, as they, the high schoolers, would just move on to something else. As you know, these things are pretty fluid.
Thursday, April 29th 2010 at 10:06 pm |
See, now everyone can see I have a smart wife. I get what you are saying, Linda, and agree that Tony is to be commended for raising the issue, when he could have avoided all criticism by just saying “not my problem.” And you raise some good points about how even those who agree with Tony might find it cold comfort, because his suggestions might not be the most practical.
I liked what the teenagers said about Formspring. (I think that that site can be toxic, like a lot of anonymous sites, for people of any age.) And I did chuckle a bit when they said that Facebook was for high schoolers and wondered if it might be dumbed down, because it actually started out as a college site.
Thursday, April 29th 2010 at 10:17 pm |
Facebook in particular, is too much for even the best parent to monitor. In addition to bullying, my kids were exposed to wildly inappropriate adult content from the postings of adults who are friends of the family. I had to ban Facebook for my kids too.
It takes guts to be a good parent, and it isn’t easy or popular. Don’t be your kids’ buddy, be his/her parent. The principal is right.
Thursday, April 29th 2010 at 10:25 pm |
I visit middle schools and talk with students about healthy relationships – this includes discussions on bullying and cyberbullying. When I ask the 7th graders how many of them have cell phones, most raise their hands. When I ask how many have a page on a social networking site, 1/2 to 3/4 raise their hands, and many raise their hands when I ask if they have more than one page on different social networking sites. These kids are 12 and 13, and completely consumed with this form of communication. Unfortunately, much of it is negative and destructive, and not monitored or checked on by the parent supplying the cell phone or computer.
At least half of these students say they have been harassed and bullied on line and/or by texting. And you actually don’t even need to have a cell phone or page to be made fun of and bullied. Most of the parents (including many of those who believe they know what their child is doing with their phone/site) have no clue what their child is really texting and posting. They delete the evidence, or have a separate page that their parents know nothing about. This is what the students have told me. And they don’t want to tell their parents if someone is harassing them because they are afraid they will have their phone or page taken away from them.
I believe that the students must be taught about healthy communication and appropriate use of this technology by both parents and the school. But, unfortunately, many parents don’t really seem to care – they may say they do, but they don’t “walk their talk.”
I believe Tony Orsini is very frustrated at the huge distraction from education caused by these forms of communication. Many of these children are obsessed, and many parents do nothing to monitor or educate them about the healthy way to use them. I ask the students if they are comfortable turning off their cell phone or charging it in the kitchen at night, and most feel they cannot be away from their phones – at all! It is crazy – and unhealthy. And parents are paying for these phones and computers, and just letting their kids go. The children do not have the maturity to understand that they may be putting themselves in danger, impacting their future chances at colleges and employment by the provocative and stupid things many of them post. Once it’s out in cyberspace, you can’t take it back and you have no control over those words and images again.
I also just have to ask — why is it at all necessary for a middle schooler to have a cell phone or a page on a social networking site? There is plenty of time for this stuff in the future, and their immature brains really can’t handle it!
Thursday, April 29th 2010 at 10:32 pm |
Hi Logan,
I totally understand the dangers out there and would never minimize them. But when they get out of middle school, the dangers are still there. I have no issue with parents who decide to take this stand with there kids. I just think we need to be doing more than just banning things until they reach a certain age. We need to be teaching them what to do when they get there, and that means getting educated ourselves.
Thursday, April 29th 2010 at 10:39 pm |
Great comments, Camie. I know that this new media provides all sorts of challenges for us and for our kids. I just don’t think we can say, “13-year-old are too young” but “14-year-olds are fine” and leave it at that You seem to be working very hard to educate everyone on these issues, and my hat’s off to you. I totally agree with you that many parents either don’t know what to do or don’t care, but I think we need to reach the ones who don’t know and get in the face of the ones that don’t care. I really take seriously suggestions like yours of people who are in the trenches.
Thursday, April 29th 2010 at 10:52 pm |
Hi Mr. Moran.
I was a student at Benjamin Franklin, and I’d just like to say that after reading your blog, I feel that there are some things that need to be said, from a teenager’s point of view at least.
What Mr. Orsini, is doing is right, but in some cases it is also very wrong. It is right in the sense that kids DO need to stop making Formsprings (site that people can post anonymous questions on), and stop creating “hate” groups against students/parents/teachers. I can see where he is coming from with that, because those things are extremely hurtful in the long run.
In a sense, it is also very wrong, because he just angered more then half of the middle school student community, I do have a Facebook, and there are some sarcastic statuses and groups and wall posts about his email. Like you said, you can’t get rid of Facebook, its impossible. Our teenage lives revolve around Facebook, we can get homework, information about school, after school activities or just planning things with friends. It’s not a bad thing at all. It’s a great social network that I love to use.
Mr. Orsini needs to talk to teenagers about it. Not the news, not the parents, and not little kids. Teenagers, 13-18 year olds. They do know what they are talking about, and they will all tell him the same thing that you and I have both said over and over again. He can’t get rid of Facebook, no matter how hard he tries, it won’t go away. Like I stated before, our social lives revolve around Facebook and other items that technology has to offer today. If Mr. Orsini were to interview his past students, and present students, 96% of them would disagree with his e-mail. I have read it, and I am shocked that he would think to send that.
In the end, I know my post might have sounded redundant but I’m trying to get my point across. To sum it all up, by sending out that e-mail, did jump start a new anger toward him from the students (and maybe parents), and brought a whole lot of publicity to Ridgewood. This whole entire drama fest of this “banning Facebook situation” is completely ridiculous in some fashion, because nobody would want to get rid of their Facebook, but then it is completely sane in a way because people do not need Formsprings and little children should not create hate groups towards others.
Thursday, April 29th 2010 at 11:48 pm |
Thanks, 15 year old. I think it is very important that we all do (as you suggest) distinguish sharply between Facebook and Formspring. Its’ hard to harass someone on Facebook, because you can always unfriend someone who bugs you. On Formspring, the harassment comes from anonymous people, so it can be quite damaging and long-term. You are faced with removing yourself from Formspring to stop the pain.
We all need more information and we need to make more distinctions. Thanks for helping us do that, 15 year old.
Friday, April 30th 2010 at 3:07 am |
I want to expand on some comments you made in the blog that came to mind while reading. Not only is bullying being cracked down on outside of the internet, but kids are being taught earlier how to advocate for themselves. Rather then dealing with something they dislike, they are told to go to guidance counselors and parents and to tell the harasser to cut it out. The same concepts can easily apply to Facebook. If kid’s don’t want to be bothered by some people, they can adjust privacy settings, choose not to add them as friends, and even block them if it becomes a problem. We are in a new generation of kids learning how to advocate for themselves, and rather than having these sites cut off, we should be letting kids use them and learning how to stand up for and protect themselves.
I also believe that Mr. Orsini’s letter mentioned sites such as Formspring, and I’d like to point out that these sites are incredibly different from social networking sites like Facebook. Formspring is set up so that anyone can post any anonymous comment to anyone else. It is inevitable that cyberbullying will occur. I believe it is a good idea to discourage kids from having one of these accounts, because there is nothing they can do to protect themselves from harassment. Facebook, on the other hand, can be completely controlled by you, and can be set up so that there won’t be any problems from unwanted people on a kid’s profile.
Friday, April 30th 2010 at 11:56 am |
Thanks, Madeline. We keep hearing about the danger of lumping all social media together and your points give us even more reasons to see the nuances (and to make decisions based on each individual social media network).
Friday, April 30th 2010 at 3:15 pm |
Mr. Moran, I must take exception to your posting. I don’t know you or what experience you brought to bear when writing this post, but I think you may be missing some context.
In the interest of full disclosure, I know Tony fairly well. Our family knows him as both a principal and a softball coach. We’ve spent a lot of time on the field together.
Your statement “no kid would go through what I did” is simply wrong, unless you believe psychological and emotional abuse are somehow less hurtful than physical abuse. I hope most adults would find that pretense to be patently absurd.
Tony has described to me some of the prevalent cyber-abuse he and his staff have seen. It is regrettable he was not able to include some of that content in his public statements due to its shockingly graphic sexual and violent nature. If he had, I assure you you would not have written that teachers “drill into kids from an early age that bullying is unacceptable. And it works.”
I suspect Phoebe Prince’s parents would disagree with you.
What you would more likely have written is something about the perpetrators and their families needing intensive counseling, education and emotional rehabilitation.
My intent is not to advocate for the specifics of Tony’s message. Rather, it is to point out that this is an opportunity for us all to better understand what we don’t know about our kids lives. I like to think I know my children pretty well, but Tony and his staff have a front row seat to the circus that is their world every day. They know a thing or two that I don’t.
Taking some sort of action based on Tony’s letter is not putting my head in the sand. Disregarding it or diminishing its importance certainly is.
Friday, April 30th 2010 at 4:16 pm |
Hi Geoff. Thanks so much for taking the time to add such a well-thought-out comment.
I probably don’t know Tony as well as you do, but I know him well enough to know that he is doing what he thinks is the right thing for the kids, and I respect him greatly for that. And to answer your question, I am an expert in Internet marketing, but I am no expert in education or child development, so while I express my opinions freely, i don’t think they came down from the mount. One of the great things about writing a blog is that I hear from people that help me see every side of an issue.
When I said, “no kid would go through what I did,” what I meant is that because the schools have worked so hard over these many years to make stopping bullying a priority, no kid today would have to go through what I suffered on the playground and in the school itself without knowing they could get help. What I am trying to say is that the schools overall have done an excellent job of diminishing bullying from what it was decades ago, and I applaud Tony and countless other educators over the years that made this a priority. I am saying that what the schools have done has worked very well in lowering bullying incidents that take place on school grounds. I realize now that I was not clear about that, so thanks for giving me a chance to clarify.
The fact the Tony and and other educators are shining a light on the issue of cyber-bullying is an example of what a great attitude the schools have about making the world safe for our kids. As someone who suffered needlessly as a child, i am thankful for that attitude.
In no way am I saying that cyber-bullying is less important or less hurtful than the kind I suffered. Quite the opposite. I believe that it is an incredibly important problem. In some ways, not knowing who your tormentors are might make cyber-bullying even worse than what I suffered. These kids go to school each day hounded by the question of whether the kid who just walked by sent that awful message or whether everyone in school saw it. Cyber-bullying is an unspeakable evil and must be stopped, just like we have worked so hard to stop every other kind of bullying.
And I absolutely think we need to take action, as you say. I just don’t think that banning social media is the right kind of action. Instead, I think we need to educate our kids about the dangers of social networks as well as the expectations for good community behavior that extend to cyberspace also. We need to let kids know that they can approach parents, educators, and other community members when they are victimized. That’s what our educators have done for bullying in every other venue and I believe that is what will work here, too. When I say the method works, I mean that it works a lot better than anything else we’ve tried, but certainly we shouldn’t rest while any child is bullied anywhere.
I think we must get very specific about where the bullying is happening and why, just as we have for in-school bullying. Although they are both social networks, there is a big difference between Facebook and Formspring, for example, as several other commenters have pointed out. Although it is difficult, we need to be in the details of these things for our middle schoolers (and I would argue) for our high schoolers, too.
I realize that not every parent feels capable of that. If individual parents believe that banning social media for their child (of any age) is the right one for that child, I have no issue with that. But I think that as a school district, we might find a better solution. So, while I disagree with Tony’s prescription, I applaud him for taking a stand on a problem that needs to be addressed. I have privately e-mailed Tony and asked if there is any way that I can help. I hope that all of us so-called social media experts will do the same thing, rather than merely criticizing goodhearted people who are trying to make our children safe. I am trying to disagree with Tony’s suggestion without in any way disrespecting Tony’s intentions or goals, which are beyond reproach.
So, Geoff, I hope that this comment has helped clarify my position, but please feel free to comment again. Your viewpoint is important and I encourage others to make the same kind of well-reasoned arguments so that all sides are heard and we can make the best possible decision about the right things to do for our kids.
Saturday, May 1st 2010 at 5:32 pm |
I am 14 years old and a former student at BF and I think that Mr. Orsini has good intentions, but he is approaching the issue in the wrong way.
1. He did not distinguish the differences between Facebook and Formspring. Formspring CAN be harmful to kids who aren’t mature enough to handle it, but Facebook is, in most cases, harmless.
2. Facebook can be very helpful for teens for asking questions about homework to their classmates. Also, most social events and birthday parties are arranged on Facebook through an “inbox”. Teens rely on this to plan and do schoolwork and there is no sense in taking that away from them.
3. Most of the time, there is no bullying on Facebook. I know most people say that it is easier to bully someone online than in person and I agree with that, but I think Facebook is different. Everyone on Facebook can see something that someone posted on someones “wall” or what they commented on a picture, so people are less likely to say something mean.
4. However, I’m sure there is some bullying on Facebook and Mr. Orsini realizes that, too. He, however, thinks that he can pull teens out of Facebook, which is almost impossible. Facebook is a very big part of teens’ lives. Instead, he should talk to the kids about it and stop them from bullying because it is not the site’s fault it is the kids.
I believe that Facebook is a good way for teens to connect with friends and relax and Mr. Orsinis will not be able to stop kids from going on it, but he can stop the bullying.
Saturday, May 1st 2010 at 7:52 pm |
Thanks, Marcy. We’ve had several people distinguish between Formsping and Facebook here, and its the anonymity that I think makes the difference.
Monday, May 3rd 2010 at 7:34 pm |
Thanks to everyone for such great comments. I’ve expanded on some ideas for how we can make social media more friendly for kids (and adults, too) revolving around identifying ourselves. If you are interested, read more from me at “For social media, it’s not the heat, it’s the anonymity (http://www.mikemoran.com/biznology/archives/2010/05/for_social_media_its_not_the_h.html).
Tuesday, June 1st 2010 at 7:02 pm |
This is a FIRST for me. I am the Aunt of Mike Moran,so you know I go way back…….like 76 trombones!!!
Well this is a new world for me, and I like it. In my day it was whispering about some one, staring at that person and laughing. Now it is called “BULLYING”. To all….we cannot stop advancement and shouldn’t otherwise we would still be on horseback………In order to stop “BULLYING” why not try the age old way…called RESPONSIBILITY……..of parents, children, teachers and neighbors. Responsibility starts with respect within families and filters out to our community……..Try the old fashioned way. If you see/hear of any member of your family that is not speaking well of another…….listen and sit and have a chat and reason will prevail. In my apartment house, we always wondered how our Mothers found out what we did wrong………..the answer was “a little bird told me” and that little bird was a neighbor who cared for you!!!!!
Aunt Nora (from NYC)
Tuesday, June 1st 2010 at 7:59 pm |
I never know where the wisdom will come from in these blog comments. Now, my Aunt Nora is getting into the act. So, if you wondered if social media is going mainstream, the answer is yes. :-)
Monday, November 29th 2010 at 1:07 am |
I would read it but they took it down if you have a copy and would send it to me, I would appreciate it.
Thank you,
student of Austintown Fitch High School:
Danielle L. Sobien
Monday, November 29th 2010 at 3:14 pm |
Thanks for letting me know, Danielle. I’ve updated the post to include the original letter.